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Halfords branded as chumps for their chimps telly campaign

Who thought the chimps ad would be a good idea? All other advertisers have abandoned chimp 'actors'. Are Halfords' staffers monkeys, then? Can staff morale go any lower? How about when stores are picketed by animal rights campaigners? That's the threat from the Captive Animals' Protection Society.

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Five grand downhill rigs will have to be fitted with incy-wincy Noddy bells

In fact, thanks to those sensible folk at the Department for Transport all new bikes will now have to be fitted with bells. Naturally, they will be poxy bells, easily removed by bike purchasers and there's no requirement for their use, just their fitment at the point of sale. And bikes sold in the UK fully-assembled will have to have their brakes adjusted so the bikes comply with British Standards (dur, IBDs already do this) but bikes-in-boxes from supermarkets and the like need only have instructions on how to assemble them. Oh, and bells, of course.

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